I couldn't believe my eyes. My Aragorn. My king, kneeling beside the man who had barely come under his command as a member of the Fellowship. I knew the man was dying, but in that first moment, all I could see was the man I love kissing someone else. My Strider was holding someone else's hand and whispering promises that I couldn't miss over the winds.
I wanted to break them apart. At the same time I wanted to hold both of them close to my heart and protect them from the cruelty and pain. I know they were lovers. I know they still cared, despite their clashing and fighting and arguing. I could see the twinkle every time they talked of some inane thing. I heard them talking of their home and my heart nearly broke. The Lords of Gondor. That's who they are, were and will be again.
They were nothing more than boys. Aragorn told me once of his first lover, his best friend. His only friend most of his time. Then, the horrible fear that had clutched at his stomach and the need to escape fate, destiny, and all her choices. His need to run and be in the wilds, away from the cares of state.
And he ran so far and came to us through Arwen, my dear heart-sister. Arwen, so sweet, so innocent, so powerful, so giving, so totally out of her depth with him. She loves him so completely that she would give up her immortality for him. I was surprised that she didn't ask to come with us. Shocked that she never followed.
But then, I would never have been able to see Aragorn and Boromir together. To see what best friends turned lovers could be.
I wouldn't have seen Aragorn's easy acceptance or Boromir's real smile. I wouldn't have been able to watch them bicker over the stupidest of things, or rest like small puppies are wont to do, in a pile under a bit of brush. I wouldn't have been able to test my heart, to see if I could let him go from me if he wished. I wanted him so badly that I would have killed Boromir myself at times.
And it would be so much easier for Aragorn to love another human, to never have to worry if I'm going to outlive him, or watch him grow old. To never look at me as though I'm too tender to understand him. I may look younger, but I'm no child. Nor am I one of the halflings to be coddled.
The barest brush of his hand is an almost unbearable warmth against my skin in the night air.
I can smell him on the air and hear him in the night. I want to hold him and comfort him. I never wanted to get him by default. I'd hoped that he would chose to come to me, but I never really wanted Boromir dead. I wanted to sing for him, for both of them, for the love I saw in every gesture, every smile. And I want to have all of that love for myself as well. My selfishness astonishes me.
I want to comb out his dark hair and trim his beard. I want to dress him in the finest materials of my people. I want to touch and make sure that he is all right, that the blood I smell on his clothing isn't his. I want to make him aware of m. I want him so badly that I can almost taste the tang of his sweat on my tongue.
He orders me around as he always has. He is assured that I won't leave his side, that I won't betray him. The ring never called to me. It's power is not what my heart wants. I would give my soul to protect him. I walked away willingly to follow him and the halflings into the darkest pits. It was so hard to walk away, to fetch the others for the council. I didn't want to leave him there, wandering the halls like a spirit.
I couldn't stand the thought of him alone, haunted by his past, by his name, by things that he can't talk about except in the middle of the night when he finds me haunting the halls next to him without a word. We've walked so many miles together like that. To follow him into the woods was no different. He barely had to glance at me to know I would follow him anywhere. That blasted little dwarf wasn't a surprise either, as much as I hate it.
"Our people." To hear him say that, to comfort his lover, that shredded my heart. I wanted to go to him then, but I stayed motionless on the edge of his vision, watching them together. I wanted to take away his tears. I wanted to save Boromir, but I don't have my sister or my father's talent for healing. I can't give of myself that way. But I can protect my ranger. That I can do. He swore his life to protect Frodo. I swore my life to protect him.
He need never know that his shadow, his pet, as he once taunted me, is there because he loves him more than any words he could utter. I would die for him in an instant. And because of that, I will be content to watch over him and ask nothing more of him than he will give. Part of his heart went over the falls today. And I don't have song enough to bring it back.
Return to the LotR library
Return to the Library
Return to the Main Page